I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
