They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
