Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
