Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Randomize
