i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
