Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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