ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
