i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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