I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
