I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
