My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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