Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
