yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Randomize
