i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
