btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize