Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
