When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
