She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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