i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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