Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
