I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
