no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
