When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
