someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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