I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
