Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize