Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize