she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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