matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
