I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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