never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
