I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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