if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
