Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
