So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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