just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
