I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
