I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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