Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
