you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
