STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
