Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If that was your dad, he is hot
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
