I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
