one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
