she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
