At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
