They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
that is very illegal...i love you.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
