Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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