Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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