My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
