Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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