Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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