I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
