good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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