Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
