Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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