Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
